Dear Bloggers,
The following rant was from last spring - where I couldn’t post because it was way too specific. A very smart colleague wouldn’t let me hit the “publish” button. And so these words lived in digital purgatory until now:
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As any teacher will tell you, there are countless benefits to this calling. When you know wholeheartedly that you've reached a student. When you see the "light bulb" go off. When a non-reader suddenly transforms before your very eyes and lights up as they recommend a book to a fellow classmate. That moment, when years later, an old student shows up and tells you how you touched their life, when, at the time you doubted they ever listened. We make a difference, for better or worse. I can go on and on why I chose this path, or rather how it chose me. With each hurdle I overcome, I inevitably encounter two in its place. Sometimes I feel these poor children are alone in their daily endeavors and may only have their teachers to turn to for support and guidance. Often I feel the bureaucracy has overstepped their bounds or administration may have their hands tied and can't really support us being as effective as possible. And the disheartening feeling of colleagues reminding me I either do or care too much. But isn't that the point? Isn't that why we chose such a thankless profession? To care when there may not be someone who would? To demonstrate a work ethic and instil values we wish on the future of our society? Imagine the utopia if society followed the fundamental rules of any classroom; show others respect, and be prepared.
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Last March, a particular low, I was told my position was being changed. I was called in to my supervisor’s office after an observation. She began discussing a colleagues upcoming maternity leave, and how they haven’t found anyone. (No kidding - you only posted the opening a few days prior and she was leaving less than two weeks later). So I was validated with a plethora of threes and fours, afterwards, reminded to continue to collaborate with my coteaching pair... only to be removed from that current position a few days later. Because, let's face it, I'm technically over qualified to be merely in-class-support. So what will be put in my place? A sub? A glorified aide? I shudder to think. So I paste on a smile and find the silver lining of running my own show once again.
So my kids were left with no support. 1 - this is illegal and in violation of their IEPs. 2 - who was going to supply them with supplemental materials… um who else but me. So I was stuck in limbo between two positions. It was like the end of the marking period and the beginning of the school year wrapped in one. After two weeks of this and damn near a nervous breakdown I was told (by union reps) that I needed to stop doing both jobs… I couldn’t. I felt like the kids were suffering. But so was I. And that’s not good for anyone involved. I was dictating notes into my phone on the drive to and from work. I wasn’t sleeping. I was forgetting to eat. I would cry at night. And then I stopped.
Honestly, I didn't mind the change... But with every day that another child from my old class came for help, or failed a test, or forgot his/her homework; a little piece of me died inside. I watched all of their hard work, and mine, get erased. What am I supposed to do? Let them crash and burn until parents complain? Who does that really hurt? Only the kids... And isn't that why we took on this challenge? Suffering through much longer hours than the 8:30-3 180 days a year of public perception. Working two jobs, tutoring, and picking up as many clubs and stipend positions we can just so we can have some extra money to buy more school supplies. I'm getting tired of this. And once again understand how such a large percentage of teachers continue to flee such emotionally and financially draining positions. There are times I wish I chose another path- or wish another path chose me.
Sincerely,
Another Frustrated Teacher
