The First Day of School

Good Evening Bloggers,

I woke up extra early today with no alarm. 4:45am. Oddly enough, this would have been about the time I would have risen if I were off to the first day of school. It was still dark outside but I was wide awake. So, after a bit I finally got up and showered and put the news on as I got myself ready. All I could hear was the back-to-school related news stories.

It was surreal that it didn’t feel weird, not at first anyway. I began texting all my old colleagues good wishes when it hit me. I had a very temporary breakdown. As the day went on I could picture where I would be in the building. What we would be doing, and the discussion of rules and procedures we would be having. By this point I would have known the majority of my students, looping with many of them and being in the middle school for so many years. There would be very few new faces, and this is always exciting to me. It would bring back memories of previous first days, and flashes to how I formed bonds with the most unlikely students. I was in a fog - all day.

About mid-day in my funk, I got an email from an old student. I swear, these kids still know just what I need when I need it. She said I was “her inspiration”. That’s where I almost had my second breakdown today. A flood of thank you notes, emails, and conversations swirled in my mind from the past few months. Did I make the wrong decision? I know I made a difference. How much more of a positive impact could I still be making on other kids out there?

But then, as I began to revisit at my mental pro and con list, I realize that this was not a sustainable career path for a single person. I still want the potential for career advancement; the ability to negotiate salary raises, a retirement fund, a quality of life that does not revolve around school and lesson plans and grading papers. I want to be able to afford taking a vacation. I want to own a home one day. I don’t want to be dealing with being a member of a union that doesn’t or can’t, or won’t protect an nontenured teacher. I don’t want to continue hearing about the failing pension system (coincidentally, a commercial just came on about the failing public pension system).

But I am still unemployed. Still hopeful, but is this a false sense of security? Is this me just falsely thinking the grass will be greener? I’m hoping this isn’t a false sense of optimism. I haven’t applied to any teaching positions because I feel like this is the universe’s way of telling me it’s now or live with another two, or three, or four years worth of regrets… not taking the plunge and losing a few more years of my life. I think for my sanity I needed to do this.

 

Sincerely,



The Sad Ex-teacher