The First Day of School

Good Evening Bloggers,

I woke up extra early today with no alarm. 4:45am. Oddly enough, this would have been about the time I would have risen if I were off to the first day of school. It was still dark outside but I was wide awake. So, after a bit I finally got up and showered and put the news on as I got myself ready. All I could hear was the back-to-school related news stories.

It was surreal that it didn’t feel weird, not at first anyway. I began texting all my old colleagues good wishes when it hit me. I had a very temporary breakdown. As the day went on I could picture where I would be in the building. What we would be doing, and the discussion of rules and procedures we would be having. By this point I would have known the majority of my students, looping with many of them and being in the middle school for so many years. There would be very few new faces, and this is always exciting to me. It would bring back memories of previous first days, and flashes to how I formed bonds with the most unlikely students. I was in a fog - all day.

About mid-day in my funk, I got an email from an old student. I swear, these kids still know just what I need when I need it. She said I was “her inspiration”. That’s where I almost had my second breakdown today. A flood of thank you notes, emails, and conversations swirled in my mind from the past few months. Did I make the wrong decision? I know I made a difference. How much more of a positive impact could I still be making on other kids out there?

But then, as I began to revisit at my mental pro and con list, I realize that this was not a sustainable career path for a single person. I still want the potential for career advancement; the ability to negotiate salary raises, a retirement fund, a quality of life that does not revolve around school and lesson plans and grading papers. I want to be able to afford taking a vacation. I want to own a home one day. I don’t want to be dealing with being a member of a union that doesn’t or can’t, or won’t protect an nontenured teacher. I don’t want to continue hearing about the failing pension system (coincidentally, a commercial just came on about the failing public pension system).

But I am still unemployed. Still hopeful, but is this a false sense of security? Is this me just falsely thinking the grass will be greener? I’m hoping this isn’t a false sense of optimism. I haven’t applied to any teaching positions because I feel like this is the universe’s way of telling me it’s now or live with another two, or three, or four years worth of regrets… not taking the plunge and losing a few more years of my life. I think for my sanity I needed to do this.

 

Sincerely,



The Sad Ex-teacher

Family Dinner

Dear Bloggers,

August is winding down and the school year is about to commence and I feel so far lost these days. Social media keeps shoving the beginning of the school year in my face, with posts of classrooms being set up, and "Timehop" photos of the past decade. I am still, unemployed and feel even farther from prospects than ever. Each day it is a relentless task of clearing out my inbox to sort job matches and file away letters stating “Thank you for your interest but …”.

My biggest cheerleader, my sister, who, for years, has been trying to convince me to go corporate, made a comment a few days ago that has been echoing in my head on a continuous loop since. It was innocent, and it wasn’t even directed towards me. She probably doesn’t even remember saying it. But it was one of those moments that I felt as if all of the air was sucked from my lungs as my chest imploded. She was talking about an old friend and made a comment that her husband was “only a teacher”. There it is. That condescending tone that teachers are lesser than the rest of the work force. This crushed me. And so, I ended the night driving home while sobbing. If the one person who supposedly believed most in me that I could successfully make this transition didn’t really believe it herself - it only amplifies my own doubts.

So what am I doing? Staying off of social media and buying lots of wine.


Sincerely,

The Frustrated ex-teacher

A bust of a day

Hello Bloggers,

Well, today was a particularly sucky day. That is at first anyway. I woke up with a vengeance. My house was clean, and I was ready to conquer this day. I had a pretty solid plan.

Resumes and cover letters were neatly piled across the dining room table giving me that nostalgic feeling of grading papers. I had a job fair today. It was hopefully my first real lead. For an August morning it was pretty cool out, so I brewed some coffee and grabbed my laptop and headed out into the back yard. I logged into my email and began pouring through emails of the past 36 hours as the sun came up… 87 emails. Many of the job alerts were duplicates so it was quick moving, but there were a few promising positions that I was able to apply for. Now looking back at it, I’m thinking that my standards have lowered slightly which definitely opens up a larger pool.

I logged into the career site to see if any other companies were added since I last checked a day ago - nothing new. I examined each potential employer’s postings just in case I missed one and made sure that I had copies of each posting I applied for with a list of questions to potential companies - even the ones I wasn’t thrilled about. But there were three that I was thrilled about. Well, two, the third was an assistant job that would help me to pay the bills and hopefully act as a stepping stone into something more permanent.

I showered and actually did my hair and makeup. This now brings the grand total up to three times in three months that my hair was dried and curled and not twisted up into a wet knot on the top of my head. AND I actually applied makeup. I was feeling pretty human today for the first time in a few weeks.

I headed out and traffic was horrible. On the major thoroughfare there was construction siphoning several lanes into one crawling mess. It doubled my travel time and I went from soft sweet morning music to loud angry pump me up music.

When I finally arrived, and was at the sign in desk, the girl greeting me showed me the messy, handwritten list of companies that didn’t even remotely match the list that was posted on the web not only four hours earlier. I ducked behind a pillar and took out my printed list with my notes and began to compare. NONE of the companies that I had intentions on speaking with were there! I wanted to turn and run and scream, but instead I took a deep breath and entered the room. I looked around to see fast food, an auto-parts store, several technical institutes, and insurance companies among a few others. As I began to walk around a phrase caught my attention, not once but twice… “Do you have a high school diploma or your GED?”

Seriously? This is what I dragged myself all the way down here for? I think if the room were quieter, in the very moment I was asked if I had MY HS diploma or a GED you could have hear my heart break.

What a bust. This was a waste of gas, parking money, and toll money. And with that a piece of me died today. Near tears I left, not without crossing off my email address to avoid future harassment from this company and comparing the list of falsely advertised companies to the girl manning the desk. Don’t worry - I told her I knew it wasn’t her fault but she should bring that to the attention of her superiors.

I hightailed it out of there and began making my way through my list. With my neatly packed resumes I was hitting the pavement and hand delivering my credentials to companies that I’m sure I was lost in cyberspace.

After a few hours of this I then went on to staffing agencies when Google maps went haywire taking me in a very large and unnecessarily complicated circle. The first time, I thought it was that I missed the odd little side street off the highway. The second was infuriating. Ok - skip that company, I’ll deal with them tomorrow - on to the next. The GPS wanted me to drive through a ravine. This time I decided to look ahead at the entire list of directions, where I was taken on three different highways just to end up back, basically where I was. I had now been sitting in this parking lot for too long - long enough to start attracting attention.

So I decided to take a detour and run an errand. I needed to clear my head. I figured a trip to the DMV would buy me ample time to figure out what was going wrong with the GPS and revamp my plan. I was hungry and on my fifth hour of being in the car. When did they streamline the DMV?! Could I actually be upset that this process took me exactly six minutes not giving me the time I needed to sort this out?

That was it. I lost it. I felt lost and broken, and beaten down. I needed a drink! Or a few! I called my bestie in hopes she hadn’t been at work to set up her classroom… thank goodness some unexpected construction had banned her from the building. She was my saving grace today. And it revitalized me to come home and begin to tackle the dreaded email box. I've been away all day and I was near triple digits again. Our outting also gave me the strength to return calls from family members and be just cheery enough not to “worry” them. I really needed that long conversation with my Dad today… I’m so glad he called.


Sincerely,


The frustrated ex-teacher



P.S. I’m trying something new today… Today I am thankful for the true friends in my life - one in particular. And my Dad!

Not another long Sunday

Good Morning Cyberspace,

It’s now August. It feels weird this year. It’s normally a mix of emotions - excitement of the anticipation with a new crew, and the sad feeling that the summer coming to a close. It has been said that for a teacher, August is like one long Sunday. 

Typically, about now I’d be checking my schedule obsessively for updates and class lists. I’d be prepping my welcome back and back to school materials. I’ve probably been in and out a few times with treats for the office staff and tech department. And I would be planning time when I'd be going in to begin setting up.

But not this year. It’s surreal. I’m pretty sure it really hasn’t set in yet. I have this sense of hopefulness that I will find a job and rejoin the ranks of the fully employed, yet there is this overwhelming sense of anxiety that accompanies it. Partly for the unknown, partly for the financial aspects of it. And a huge part is the crushing feeling of how much benefits are going to cost me without the assistance of an employer. I can get by for a few months. But sadly, I’ve finally found myself financially back where I was at the beginning of my teaching career. When I still hung on to my college bartending job. My rent was a quarter of what it is now, - which I split - and that was before I paid (mostly charged) grad school classes - for a master’s and an additional certification.

When I think of all the time and energy and money I poured out over the years for teaching it makes me sick! The only thing that keeps me from wishing I didn’t attempt this ten years ago is the amazing people (kids included) I met over the past four years. (New administration excluded)

Back to the job hunt…

Wish me luck!


Sincerely,

Another frustrated ex-teacher

Dressing for Success

Dear Bloggers,

Recently one of my friends in a very corporate job was just complaining to me that his office went to “business casual” - which by today’s standards means wear jeans. He attributed this to the fact that “millennials were complaining”. This was not the first time that I’ve heard this from friends in a corporate environment - that interns and new hires simply didn’t know how to dress in appropriate work attire.

This reminds me of a college professor I had that required us to dress up for class as if we were attending a job interview at least once a month. I remember my classmates complaining. Many thinking that they looked ridiculous for other classes. I welcomed this though. I thought of it as a chance to begin to acquire a professional wardrobe.

I recently viewed a post in a chat room for learning and development trainers inquiring if it was appropriate to wear a suit when their audience was not dressed as so. My opinion - an emphatic yessss! I’ve never felt uncomfortable when a trainer came in dressed professionally on a PD day and I was in jeans. In fact, I don’t think I would have given his/her words much valor if they were dressed as we were on a “no-kids” day. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. If your goal is to be successful, then dress it.

Furthermore, when going on a class trip, and students are required to dress nicely, they carry themselves differently. Just as we as adults walk a little taller when we ourselves have on our best.

When we, as a society, allow standards to be lowered - whether it be with dress code, use of improper grammar, acceptance of attitudes and actions that would have never been considered years ago; then the fabric of society begins to unwind and we are left with little more than we expect of ourselves. AMERICA, I implore you - stop lowering your standards for the expectations of what we expect from ourselves in society!

The media and politicians are constantly comparing today’s schools with other countries. Claiming that we are not producing “college ready” students, and with each generation of graduates, America is far less equipped to compete in a global market. This is not entirely the fault of schools.

As educators, our hands are tied. Parents complain, children complain, and then administration bends. It is time to take back society and begin to raise upstanding, contributing, competitive members of society. We need to establish clear rules and expect the best. Do away with participation trophies and make our society competitive once again. Rebel against the casual work environment and dress in a suit (men and women) and show the younger generation what success looks like.


Sincerely,


The Frustrated (soon to be) Ex-teacher

The end of my teaching career?

I write this note with a heavy heart. After 13 years of tireless dedication to the field of education, I may be a statistic. I have been told, that although my teaching is effective to highly effective, I will not be renewed. So, although I've had impeccable evaluations; contributed extensively to the greater school community, formed lasting bonds with both my students and colleagues, served as adviser for two clubs far exceeding the hours I was compensated for, and was a board approved mentor, I would not be returning the next year.

I’ve promised myself that this would be my last teaching job when I started… and I intend to keep that promise. But before I do, I will not go without a fight.

This is extremely hard to write… I can hardly see the screen, blurred through tears. This makes no sense and it is truly devastating. Although, I knew it was coming.

Why Teachers Leave

Dear Bloggers,

This is the time of year when schools post their new positions, out of work teachers begin reaching out for references, we watch people leave for various reasons. Some just didn’t cut it, others were let go to the shock of their colleagues, many are off to bigger and better things. Why is teaching such a revolving door? Simply stated it’s a taxing career. We work tirelessly throughout the day, long past the time the students have left, into the weekends and on vacations. Our checklists are never-ending, and we hear thank you so infrequently that to some, it just isn’t worth it. We hear our peers tell us that we would make more money in the corporate sector as we watch our benefits and pension dwindle away. I can understand how people leave.

For many of us we came into this profession to help children. We have enjoyed the creative aspect of jazzing up boring concepts and making them interesting. The longer I’m teaching, the more changes I see. The more educators leave because their hands are tied and they can’t do what they really love to do… and that’s teach.

I used to teach in an elementary setting. My LLD class, grades k-3 earned rewards for a “fun Friday”. We would cook, make art projects, have some sort of party. To the outside, this may have looked like the special education class played all day, but my activities were carefully calculated for team building, math skills, literacy, and the all too important socialization aspect that many classrooms are missing.

***

In February, we would have baseball day. I didn’t really like celebrating Valentine’s Day in an elementary classroom, but didn’t want my students to feel punished while all of the general education teachers had their parties. I remember how devastating it was to the child that didn’t receive the same amount of Valentine’s day cards as someone else. Or worse… knowing that they only received them because their teachers required a card be given to each student. So I transformed my classroom into a baseball field. We wore jerseys, played math and phonics baseball, read stories about baseball, and had baseball inspired cupcakes. The older students in third grade looked at statistics and wrote a persuasive essay on why a player or team was the best. They learned how they could carefully choose the right statistics to fit their argument. 

In March, I would higher one of my sisters to dress like the Cat in the Hat and we would make green eggs and ham. The more shy students, would bring a plate to teachers around the school and ask in rhyme if they would try them try them as “Alex-I-am”. They would then poll the teachers if they liked them, creating a bar graph in the hallway. The third graders practiced using quotation marks from various Dr. Seuss books, while the kindergartners refined tracing and cutting skills using patterns to create the characters that the older students wrote about. We practiced rhyming to develop fluency and phonemic awareness. Students did “book talks” practicing summarization and public speaking skills. They prepped for a week before this “fun Friday” took place.

October they made Halloween trees and wrote scary stories using the word lists the younger students created for them. These activities were carefully thought out and truly collaborative, and so much fun they didn’t realize how many academic skills were being taught and reinforced when they were taking part in their “fun Fridays”.

And then my principal retired. New administration put a stop to these activities. The food in my room was banned due to allergies… although, not one of my students had allergies and I always sent home permission slips. The push for more “formal” teaching took over and the fun was sucked out of my classroom, and the spark from my soul.

I left at the end of that year. I left the family I had grown to love after only four years, because I didn’t look forward to going into work anymore. I looked to return to middle school where I started my teaching career. I thought a job with older students would allow my creativity flag to fly once again. I was right, and I’m really glad I made that move, or I would have become a statistic… one of the teachers that didn’t make the ten year mark before leaving the profession.

***

Many do not recognize when it’s time to part ways. Or some do, but the fear of leaving a job that they know, or tenure, or change in general keeps them where they are not happy. The result is often a burnt out unhappy person. Some resolve to work less or care less. That is not me.

Across the country throughout classrooms, the fun is being sucked out. Instruction came to a halt for state testing last year, not once but twice. There’s a push for data driven instruction - I get it, but it’s getting ridiculous. There are district benchmarks, SGOs, PARCC, pre and post assessments. When can we go back to teaching? We’re constantly assessing these children. Good teaching has assessments built in. But informal assessments no longer count. We need data and response to intervention. I get it, I really do, the theory behind it makes sense, but the application is sucking the life out of classrooms across the nation, for both students and teachers. Maybe it’s the special education training in me, but I’ve always taught like this. And I know my colleagues have too - we just may have not graphed and charted kids and assigned them numerical values.

Teachers are unable to prominently display their students" work on colorful bulletin boards without objectives and pre and post writing. It’s so monotonous that there isn’t enough time in the day to realistically change the boards as often as we used to.

Compiling files on students with data is taking us backwards in time. With plethora of technology available to us, I don’t understand why a digital portfolio isn’t sufficient. Students no longer do their prewriting on yellow lined paper and waste valuable instructional time drafting, rewriting, and revising on several different versions. Students use Google Docs to collaborate with one another and teachers confer with students using comments or suggestions. Why should we stray from time effective practices and motivating ways of teaching just to create a paper trail and justify our teaching?

As seasoned teachers, we’ve dedicated our education and lives to benefit our students. We watch new teachers leave all too often. I love my job, and I am so happy, but I still find myself discouraging loved-ones from entering the field. I’ve asked around, many other teachers do the same. It worries me what the future of our profession will look like.

Sincerely, 

The Frustrated Teacher

I am a teacher

Dear Students, 

I'm a teacher. My job is to guide you and give you the knowledge you will need to make good and informed decisions for your future. This will teach you to be successful... Not for me, or your parents, or anyone else but for you. My job is not to lower my standards so you can meet watered down expectations and feel a false sense of success... This is not success. Life does not work that way, and I'm a teacher. My job is to prepare you for life. Meet me halfway and you will learn. I cannot work harder for YOUR future than you. Your boss won't do it, so why should I? If I did I wouldn't be teaching you anything of value. And because I AM a teacher, I'll make this promise to you: I will work as hard as I can to guide you. I will push myself to the brink of exhaustion to make it fun and interesting... But please meet me halfway. And as teachers we won't (and can't) follow you around for the rest of your lives. You need to take the responsibility for your own life, actions, and the consequences for these actions. But once your teacher, I will forever be your teacher, and will always, ALWAYS, be there if the need be. Because I am a teacher, and I love what I do!

Love, 

Your Teacher

Flashback Post from last March "highs and lows"

Dear Bloggers,


The following rant was from last spring - where I couldn’t post because it was way too specific. A very smart colleague wouldn’t let me hit the “publish” button. And so these words lived in digital purgatory until now:

***

As any teacher will tell you, there are countless benefits to this calling. When you know wholeheartedly that you've reached a student. When you see the "light bulb" go off. When a non-reader suddenly transforms before your very eyes and lights up as they recommend a book to a fellow classmate. That moment, when years later, an old student shows up and tells you how you touched their life, when, at the time you doubted they ever listened. We make a difference, for better or worse. I can go on and on why I chose this path, or rather how it chose me.

With each hurdle I overcome, I inevitably encounter two in its place. Sometimes I feel these poor children are alone in their daily endeavors and may only have their teachers to turn to for support and guidance. Often I feel the bureaucracy has overstepped their bounds or administration may have their hands tied and can't really support us being as effective as possible. And the disheartening feeling of colleagues reminding me I either do or care too much. But isn't that the point? Isn't that why we chose such a thankless profession? To care when there may not be someone who would? To demonstrate a work ethic and instil values we wish on the future of our society? Imagine the utopia if society followed the fundamental rules of any classroom; show others respect, and be prepared.

***

Last March, a particular low, I was told my position was being changed. I was called in to my supervisor’s office after an observation. She began discussing a colleagues upcoming maternity leave, and how they haven’t found anyone. (No kidding - you only posted the opening a few days prior and she was leaving less than two weeks later). So I was validated with a plethora of threes and fours, afterwards, reminded to continue to collaborate with my coteaching pair... only to be removed from that current position a few days later. Because, let's face it, I'm technically over qualified to be merely in-class-support. So what will be put in my place? A sub? A glorified aide? I shudder to think. So I paste on a smile and find the silver lining of running my own show once again.


So my kids were left with no support. 1 - this is illegal and in violation of their IEPs. 2 - who was going to supply them with supplemental materials… um who else but me. So I was stuck in limbo between two positions. It was like the end of the marking period and the beginning of the school year wrapped in one. After two weeks of this and damn near a nervous breakdown I was told (by union reps) that I needed to stop doing both jobs… I couldn’t. I felt like the kids were suffering. But so was I. And that’s not good for anyone involved. I was dictating notes into my phone on the drive to and from work. I wasn’t sleeping. I was forgetting to eat. I would cry at night. And then I stopped.


Honestly, I didn't mind the change... But with every day that another child from my old class came for help, or failed a test, or forgot his/her homework; a little piece of me died inside. I watched all of their hard work, and mine, get erased. What am I supposed to do? Let them crash and burn until parents complain? Who does that really hurt? Only the kids... And isn't that why we took on this challenge? Suffering through much longer hours than the 8:30-3 180 days a year of public perception. Working two jobs, tutoring, and picking up as many clubs and stipend positions we can just so we can have some extra money to buy more school supplies. I'm getting tired of this. And once again understand how such a large percentage of teachers continue to flee such emotionally and financially draining positions. There are times I wish I chose another path- or wish another path chose me.

Sincerely,


Another Frustrated Teacher